Thursday, February 29, 2024

complicated

their fates entwined unexpectedly, and she was not prepared for the whirlwind of emotions he would stir within her. in the gloomiest of days, he stepped into her life, becoming a fixture in various roles. from shared sorrows, a fragile friendship emerged. vulnerable, she bared her soul to him, finding solace in his non-judgmental, metaphorical embrace.

as their connection deepened, it grew complex with a rapid intensity. longing for his messages, craving his unseen presence, each word from him injected joy into her veins. her thoughts incessantly dwelled on him, emotions escalating to heights she hadn't felt in ages. with him she found empowerment, beauty, and a sense of worth—elements missing in her reality.

she cared for him profoundly, wishing for his healing, success, and happiness. he brought warmth to her world, filling voids she hadn't recognized. yet, realism nudged her, knowing she couldn't provide what he truly deserved. the day of parting arrived, tears marking the bittersweet farewell.

in saying goodbye, she hopes he senses the depth of her feelings, understanding the piece of her heart he carried away. life, much like her emotions, unfolds in its paradoxical beauty—cruel, objective, unfair, and as complicated as the love and sadness she dared to feel.

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

grief

in the quiet moments when life slips away, they say your existence unfolds in a cinematic montage. she ponders the truth in that sentiment. when someone she cherishes departs, their shared life inundates her, memories cascading like an eternal slideshow in her mind.

avoiding contemplation of mortality proves to be a futile endeavor. the mere thought summons a torrent of sorrow and remorse, a palpable weight that once stole her breath, now morphing into an oppressive grief, choking her with each inhalation.

as the years accumulate, the once paralyzing anxiety transforms into an all-encompassing sadness. layers upon layers of grief envelop her, an insurmountable mound suffocating every breath, leaving her submerged in sorrow.

contemplating her own demise brings a flurry of unanswered questions. would her own legacy endure? would tales of her goodness, her immense heart, her selflessness, and her role as a devoted mother linger in the minds of those left behind? the unending uncertainty sends her spiraling into an anxious abyss, devoid of control.

a tapestry of twenty-six, nearly twenty-seven years of friendship, shared joys and heartaches, laughter, and profound silliness suddenly grinds to an abrupt halt. the abruptness is jarring, and she grapples with the injustice of a beautiful soul snatched away without warning. death bows to no one, seeking neither approval nor fairness.

death, relentless and impartial, extinguishes the chance for future shared moments. no longer will the familiar refrain of "heeeyyyyy! like a chump!" grace her ears, or the infectious laughter over a drooling lollipop, or the amusing spectacle of a kitten toppling over after sniffing his feet. the familiar greeting of "hey hooker!" and the unwavering presence on every birthday now reside in the past. the void left by the absence of a soul with a wicked sense of humor echoes loudly.

the memories linger – selfless love, ceaseless laughter, a shared appreciation for all things spooky, an adoration for adorable kitties, and a fondness for skulls that could fill endless pages. the ache of her absence remains surreal, an unresolved disbelief echoing in the question, "how can this be?" grief, an unwelcome companion, permeates every facet of existence.

in the harsh reality of loss, grief unfurls its oppressive tendrils. a relentless force that defies comprehension. 

indeed, grief fucking sucks.

Monday, December 18, 2023

incapacitated

her eyes reluctantly open and the weight of despair suffocates her as she reaches for the phone to see what time it is. it's 0232. she feels the pressure of a full bladder but doesn't want to move. she feels the emptiness of their bed with only her in it. if she just lays still enough, quiet enough, she can fall back asleep. 

but she can't.

the moment her eyes open, her brain awakens with relentless torment.  she can't shut it off no matter how hard she tries. a plea echoes within her brain, "make it stop." just for the day. just one day she would like to shut off her brain.

but she can't.

she replays every scenario she has questioned over the last few months. she finds the lies. she finds the happiness. she finds the sadness. she finds everything but him. she wants desperately to find him.

but she can't.

he made his choice. it wasn't her. he walked out. he left her in a wake of despair and confusion. his decision echoes like a never ending funeral. it was like she slammed into a brick wall that never existed before. she wishes she could change everything that happened.

but she can't.

she's tired of crying. she's tired of holding her mouth shut to dampen the anguish wishing to escape her. she doesn't want anyone to hear her cry. she doesn't want anyone to see her cry. she just wants to hide away.

but she can't.

she can't escape the feelings. the pain. the heartbreak. it's all too much for her. the one person she wants to care, doesn't. he left. he doesn't care. she wishes she could make him care.

but she can't.

the pain engulfs her like a thousand fire ants all at once. it hurts so bad. while she has felt this pain before, it has never been this intense. she is in her own personal hell wishing to end the suffering. wishing to sever the unrelenting grip of despair. she pleads with herself, "make it stop."

but she can't.

she exists as a pile of discarded leaves decomposing in the darkest, loneliest, saddest corner of the world. this is her testament to the withering of her hope and the erosion of a once vibrant spirit.

Monday, December 4, 2023

persistence

she loves with every fiber of her being, yet the pain remains unfamiliar, an unyielding ache that defies any logic of adaptation. not a testament to weakness, but a manifestation of her all-encompassing love. it never fails that every time she invests her heart and soul, it's met with heart-wrenching betrayal, as if her love was inconsequential.

excuses are always endless, shielding them from responsibility until it's too late, leaving her wounded. acceptance eludes her, grappling with the realization that the common denominator is herself. in the depths of self-doubt, she questions her worth, beauty, and why her love falls short. the gnawing feeling of inadequacy persists.

desperation clings to her, an unrelenting desire to be wanted fueled by the faintest glimmers of hope. she has been labeled eternally optimistic by those who haven't forsaken her, and she persists.

the paradox deepens as she gives her absolute best, yet receives the worst from those she loves. is she atoning for sins in another life? a punishment for transgressions haunting her present.

trembling uncontrollably, she waits in anxious anticipation. will he reach out? will he walk through the door, bringing solace to her longing heart? repeatedly checking her phone, yearning for validation, even a simple "I love you". but the silence, it persists. hours pass before he responds, avoiding the core issues. resolutions remain elusive, yet she persists and waits with baited breath.

why this desperate need for his love? what affliction plagues her, prompting such relentless yearning? the haunting question persists: what is wrong with her?

nonetheless, through it all, she persists.

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

origins

a whirlwind of hazy memories, edges blurring like an old polaroid, faces playing hide-and-seek with focus, and colors staging a gradual escape. amidst this nostalgic chaos, one thing stands undefeated – the emotions. 

there she was, a pint-sized adventurer, rolling on the ground in what she remembers was a denim dress and tights. giggles erupted like confetti, and life felt like the ultimate joyride at the ripe age of three or four. love wasn't just a word; it hung in the air, thick with warmth and reassurance. THIS was her mom – not a superhero, but a maestro of love. she had a mom, a bonafide, real-life mom who was unequivocally hers. the joy of those moments was a toddler's version of life hitting a home run. 

the debut of her memory archives, starring her – the mysterious maestro of warmth, with no clear occasion, just a canvas painted in the hues of her reassuring hugs, providing a comfort level that was basically a vip pass to happiness. the visit was like a sneak peek at a blockbuster movie – too short, leaving her craving an encore. little did she know, the sequel would be a long time coming.

fast forward through a montage of years where the craving for a mom was real. their makeshift family included their father, grandmother and teenage aunt and uncle. the real magic happened on those saturday mornings when she and her brother, culinary prodigies in the making, would wake up early to cook hot dogs over the flames of the gas stove before wrapping their culinary masterpieces in homemade tortillas and setting up shop a mere foot away from the tv, where the real cartoon magic unfolded. talk about a breakfast of champions and a childhood recipe for unforgettable saturday mornings. she knew she'd always have her brother with her, and that gave her an unrivaled warm comfort. 

let's rewind the highlight reel of her childhood mishaps during the years that passed before they saw their mother again. there was the grand toe-breaking attempt to turn the bathroom sink into barbie's private pool – spoiler alert: the sink won that round. she swears she can still feel the pain in her big toe to this day. then, the unforgettable incident involving her aunt's keys taking a plunge into toilet oblivion. she can't confirm, but her memory insists that her aunt went full detective-mode, and fished the keys out of the septic tank. oops! she felt so much guilt that day. her aunt told her not to play with the keys in the bathroom. she warned her that they would get dropped into the toilet, but boy was she ever confident that she would never do such a thing. oh the guilt she felt as she slowly walked to her aunt, head hung in shame. 

the kitchen escapade where she decided to play veggie ninja with the largest knife in her grandmother's arsenal while attempting to prepare carrots on the diry and crumb covered kitchen rug. she was basically a culinary risk-taker before it was cool, and she really wanted those damn carrots.

now, let's talk about her secret rain dance routine – rain-induced figure skating in socks. not sure why she exclusively unleashed her "skills" during downpours, but there she was in the driveway, rain, socks, and gliding like a soggy ice princess. grandmother wasn't thrilled; she'd warned of the dreaded cold rain, but her happiness trumped weather forecasts. her soggy conquests always ended with a sloshing entry, leaving a watery trail from the driveway to the bedroom. "figure skating" in the rain was euphoric, it was freeing. she felt like she could do anything she wanted when she was sliding around in socks. weightless and free. 

they had a dog named brewster – or at least that's the name she's sticking with, regardless of what they claim. the burial was a backyard ceremony near a majestic tree, with her shedding tears as ants decided to rsvp to brewster's final resting place. dad's philosophical wisdom was "that's just life." it left her pondering the ant-covered mysteries of existence. it was also the first time she felt grief or experienced loss. she loved that dog, and she couldn't fathom never seeing him or petting him again. thus began her fears of death, and wrapping her head around the idea of ceasing to exist.

some time later, a transformed dad is on the scene, practically radiating joy. suddenly, he unveils a mystery woman – something he'd never done before. the mystery woman was kindness personified, and her three teen sidekicks were the real deal. there she was, the junior member of this newly formed squad, getting the vip treatment: hair makeovers, nail painting extravaganzas, the whole shebang. it made for instant adoration. she felt included, and cool, and like she belonged. she loved spending time with them and incessantly begged her dad to visit them anytime they were apart.

dad and mystery woman decided to take a fast track to the aisle in vegas. cue her excitement skyrocketing because, bam, she now had a mom, two new sisters, and a bonus brother thrown into the family mix! sadly, the storm clouds rolled in, and rainbow sightings became as rare as a unicorn sighting from that point on. 

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

gratitude

she wasn't technically a single mom, but she was on her way to being one. she spent the last ten years being a stay at home mom, pouring everything she had into her three kids. she could have walked away with only the kids and been thrilled. she had her faults, and made her mistakes, and owned them. he couldn't do the same. he wanted to take everything from her.

one day she made yet another discovery, and she kept digging, leaving a trail of dirty laundry in her wake until he realized she knew everything. angry that he was caught. angry that his flaws were so easily revealed. angry that his shell of perfection crumbled around him. angry at her, he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. he had her cell phone disconnected. she had no contact with the rest of the world.

she cried. she begged and pleaded with him to turn her service back on, but he wouldn't budge. it didn't matter that he was away frequently, and the daycare had no working number to reach their mother. it didn't matter that should there be an emergency there was no working phone to call for help. all that mattered was that she had zero access to his indiscretions. all of his dirty laundry being released into the world came to a screeching halt with a single decision. he refused to allow her to have access to a phone under his phone plan.

she anxiously stepped into her local cell phone store. she wore a look of shame and embarrassment as she looked through the phones they offered. she wasn't going to be able to afford anything nice, because again, she was on her way to being a single mom. she had to consider the impact of this purchase on her finances which were wholly dedicated to getting on her feet and providing for her kids. 

finally it was her turn to speak to a representative, and she shakily stepped forward. nervous that her lack of credit history wouldn't allow her to get a phone on a payment plan. nervous that a lack of a career wouldn't allow her to get a suitable phone. she had only started working a few months before, so she had a little money saved up, but not much. 

once the representative cheerfully advised that she could get a phone on a payment plan, a wave of relief flashed over her. she asked for the cheapest smart phone available because that was all she could afford at this time. and then the representative asked a question you'd never think would bring a person to tears.

"would you like a phone case to protect your phone, or a charger for your car?"

immediate tears streamed down her face. embarrassment returned. the representative was caught off guard by her behavior. in-between sobs, she explained her situation. 

she couldn't afford the phone as it was. she certainly couldn't afford such frivolous things as a phone case or a car charger. she has a life to start over. she has kids to provide for. she has a soon to be ex husband that is restricting access to communicate with others. she was a victim of domestic abuse at that point, though she would never admit such a thing. 

the representative stepped aside and quickly returned, and asked her to step into the back room with them. she was confused, and didn't know what was happening. the representative informed her that she would be getting a phone case and a car charger today. and she wouldn't pay a single penny for either item. 

more tears streamed down her face. this time a mixture of gratitude and embarrassment. she didn't understand why this was happening, or how. the representative went on to say they were a victim of abuse and wanted to help in any way. this caused confusion. she wasn't a victim of abuse, how could this person say that? they didn't know him. he never laid a finger on her. 

despite her disagreement, they pushed forward and asked her to make a selection. her mind couldn't comprehend what was happening. eventually, she made a selection and somehow found her way out of the store, still in a state of shock. 

it's been 12 years give or take some days since that happened, and today she is reflecting on this moment. 

you showed her compassion, empathy, and care. you heard the unspoken words in her story and pulled them out in front of her eyes. your gesture, and act of kindness had a massive impact on her. she wishes she had gone back to that store and thanked you when she was in a better mental and emotional space. she knows she thanked you in that moment, but is afraid her shock didn't do her gratitude justice.

from the bottom of her heart, thank you for your kindness that day. thank you for your compassion that day. thank you for opening her eyes that day.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

Saturday, June 10, 2023

secrets

she's the kind of girl everyone falls in love with the moment they lay eyes on her. she's strikingly beautiful. her red, brown, and white hair contradicts her ice blue eyes. one look into those eyes and people melt. her age doesn't show in her face, or in her physique. she looks young, and moves effortlessly. she soaks up the attention and the endless compliments thrown her way. 

she deceives them. 

but not me. 

i know when she paces back and forth that something's on her mind. i know when her eyes dart around that she's feeling uncertain. i know when she stiffens that something has caused her to be defensive. i know she doesn't like when she isn't the center of attention. i know she doesn't like when there's someone younger around. 

i know.

i remain alert at all times, because you never know when she might snap.

i've seen her snap. she unleashes a violent rage at a moment's notice. she has broken jaws, sliced through skin, bitten faces, arms, and legs. she has murdered. she has no problem taking another life and shows no remorse or guilt for her actions.

she has never been caught or sentenced. instead she continues to live life as if nothing ever happened. maybe she doesn't remember snapping. maybe the violent fits of rage are moments when she blacks out. she lazes about and continues to deceive person after person.

she is a monster masterfully hiding her rage behind a mask of beauty. they'll never truly know her until it's too late.

complicated

their fates entwined unexpectedly, and she was not prepared for the whirlwind of emotions he would stir within her. in the gloomiest of days...