incapacitated

her eyes reluctantly open and the weight of despair suffocates her as she reaches for the phone to see what time it is. it's 0232. she feels the pressure of a full bladder but doesn't want to move. she feels the emptiness of their bed with only her in it. if she just lays still enough, quiet enough, she can fall back asleep. 

but she can't.

the moment her eyes open, her brain awakens with relentless torment.  she can't shut it off no matter how hard she tries. a plea echoes within her brain, "make it stop." just for the day. just one day she would like to shut off her brain.

but she can't.

she replays every scenario she has questioned over the last few months. she finds the lies. she finds the happiness. she finds the sadness. she finds everything but him. she wants desperately to find him.

but she can't.

he made his choice. it wasn't her. he walked out. he left her in a wake of despair and confusion. his decision echoes like a never ending funeral. it was like she slammed into a brick wall that never existed before. she wishes she could change everything that happened.

but she can't.

she's tired of crying. she's tired of holding her mouth shut to dampen the anguish wishing to escape her. she doesn't want anyone to hear her cry. she doesn't want anyone to see her cry. she just wants to hide away.

but she can't.

she can't escape the feelings. the pain. the heartbreak. it's all too much for her. the one person she wants to care, doesn't. he left. he doesn't care. she wishes she could make him care.

but she can't.

the pain engulfs her like a thousand fire ants all at once. it hurts so bad. while she has felt this pain before, it has never been this intense. she is in her own personal hell wishing to end the suffering. wishing to sever the unrelenting grip of despair. she pleads with herself, "make it stop."

but she can't.

she exists as a pile of discarded leaves decomposing in the darkest, loneliest, saddest corner of the world. this is her testament to the withering of her hope and the erosion of a once vibrant spirit.

persistence

she loves with every fiber of her being, yet the pain remains unfamiliar, an unyielding ache that defies any logic of adaptation. not a testament to weakness, but a manifestation of her all-encompassing love. it never fails that every time she invests her heart and soul, it's met with heart-wrenching betrayal, as if her love was inconsequential.

excuses are always endless, shielding them from responsibility until it's too late, leaving her wounded. acceptance eludes her, grappling with the realization that the common denominator is herself. in the depths of self-doubt, she questions her worth, beauty, and why her love falls short. the gnawing feeling of inadequacy persists.

desperation clings to her, an unrelenting desire to be wanted fueled by the faintest glimmers of hope. she has been labeled eternally optimistic by those who haven't forsaken her, and she persists.

the paradox deepens as she gives her absolute best, yet receives the worst from those she loves. is she atoning for sins in another life? a punishment for transgressions haunting her present.

trembling uncontrollably, she waits in anxious anticipation. will he reach out? will he walk through the door, bringing solace to her longing heart? repeatedly checking her phone, yearning for validation, even a simple "I love you". but the silence, it persists. hours pass before he responds, avoiding the core issues. resolutions remain elusive, yet she persists and waits with baited breath.

why this desperate need for his love? what affliction plagues her, prompting such relentless yearning? the haunting question persists: what is wrong with her?

nonetheless, through it all, she persists.