gratitude

she wasn't technically a single mom, but she was on her way to being one. she spent the last ten years being a stay at home mom, pouring everything she had into her three kids. she could have walked away with only the kids and been thrilled. she had her faults, and made her mistakes, and owned them. he couldn't do the same. he wanted to take everything from her.

one day she made yet another discovery, and she kept digging, leaving a trail of dirty laundry in her wake until he realized she knew everything. angry that he was caught. angry that his flaws were so easily revealed. angry that his shell of perfection crumbled around him. angry at her, he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. he had her cell phone disconnected. she had no contact with the rest of the world.

she cried. she begged and pleaded with him to turn her service back on, but he wouldn't budge. it didn't matter that he was away frequently, and the daycare had no working number to reach their mother. it didn't matter that should there be an emergency there was no working phone to call for help. all that mattered was that she had zero access to his indiscretions. all of his dirty laundry being released into the world came to a screeching halt with a single decision. he refused to allow her to have access to a phone under his phone plan.

she anxiously stepped into her local cell phone store. she wore a look of shame and embarrassment as she looked through the phones they offered. she wasn't going to be able to afford anything nice, because again, she was on her way to being a single mom. she had to consider the impact of this purchase on her finances which were wholly dedicated to getting on her feet and providing for her kids. 

finally it was her turn to speak to a representative, and she shakily stepped forward. nervous that her lack of credit history wouldn't allow her to get a phone on a payment plan. nervous that a lack of a career wouldn't allow her to get a suitable phone. she had only started working a few months before, so she had a little money saved up, but not much. 

once the representative cheerfully advised that she could get a phone on a payment plan, a wave of relief flashed over her. she asked for the cheapest smart phone available because that was all she could afford at this time. and then the representative asked a question you'd never think would bring a person to tears.

"would you like a phone case to protect your phone, or a charger for your car?"

immediate tears streamed down her face. embarrassment returned. the representative was caught off guard by her behavior. in-between sobs, she explained her situation. 

she couldn't afford the phone as it was. she certainly couldn't afford such frivolous things as a phone case or a car charger. she has a life to start over. she has kids to provide for. she has a soon to be ex husband that is restricting access to communicate with others. she was a victim of domestic abuse at that point, though she would never admit such a thing. 

the representative stepped aside and quickly returned, and asked her to step into the back room with them. she was confused, and didn't know what was happening. the representative informed her that she would be getting a phone case and a car charger today. and she wouldn't pay a single penny for either item. 

more tears streamed down her face. this time a mixture of gratitude and embarrassment. she didn't understand why this was happening, or how. the representative went on to say they were a victim of abuse and wanted to help in any way. this caused confusion. she wasn't a victim of abuse, how could this person say that? they didn't know him. he never laid a finger on her. 

despite her disagreement, they pushed forward and asked her to make a selection. her mind couldn't comprehend what was happening. eventually, she made a selection and somehow found her way out of the store, still in a state of shock. 

it's been 12 years give or take some days since that happened, and today she is reflecting on this moment. 

you showed her compassion, empathy, and care. you heard the unspoken words in her story and pulled them out in front of her eyes. your gesture, and act of kindness had a massive impact on her. she wishes she had gone back to that store and thanked you when she was in a better mental and emotional space. she knows she thanked you in that moment, but is afraid her shock didn't do her gratitude justice.

from the bottom of her heart, thank you for your kindness that day. thank you for your compassion that day. thank you for opening her eyes that day.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

secrets

she's the kind of girl everyone falls in love with the moment they lay eyes on her. she's strikingly beautiful. her red, brown, and white hair contradicts her ice blue eyes. one look into those eyes and people melt. her age doesn't show in her face, or in her physique. she looks young, and moves effortlessly. she soaks up the attention and the endless compliments thrown her way. 

she deceives them. 

but not me. 

i know when she paces back and forth that something's on her mind. i know when her eyes dart around that she's feeling uncertain. i know when she stiffens that something has caused her to be defensive. i know she doesn't like when she isn't the center of attention. i know she doesn't like when there's someone younger around. 

i know.

i remain alert at all times, because you never know when she might snap.

i've seen her snap. she unleashes a violent rage at a moment's notice. she has broken jaws, sliced through skin, bitten faces, arms, and legs. she has murdered. she has no problem taking another life and shows no remorse or guilt for her actions.

she has never been caught or sentenced. instead she continues to live life as if nothing ever happened. maybe she doesn't remember snapping. maybe the violent fits of rage are moments when she blacks out. she lazes about and continues to deceive person after person.

she is a monster masterfully hiding her rage behind a mask of beauty. they'll never truly know her until it's too late.

silence

the day has been rejuvenating. thoughts were fleeting, leaving a sense of peace in their absent silence. chores were done when she felt like doing them. the warmth of the sun hugged her cheeks while her feet danced in the cool pool water. 

the pit that so regularly takes up residence in her stomach dissipated in the new quiet. her blood flow slowed and her mind settled. she felt so good. she felt so calm. she felt happy. she felt at peace.

the day had been rejuvenating. 

the storm rolled in faster than she was prepared. to be honest, she's never quite ready. the door slammed closed, thundering in her ears  letting in a flood of dark clouds. she jumped. she's never prepared for the slam. no one taught him to pull or push a door closed, she mused. 

her anxiety rose. suddenly the pit returned to her stomach. her blood rushed and her mind raced. a million thoughts frantically fought through a tangled mess that abruptly appeared in her brain. so many questions, so many thoughts all soaring at once. but only a couple make it to the surface. did everything get done? she hopes he had a good day. 

she hopes he had a good day.

she

hopes

he

had

a

good

day

the floor didn't get vacuumed. damnit, she forgot to do that. someone didn't take out the trash. his mood carries the weight of a thousand lead elephants. she feels suffocated. she feel anxious. she feels like she is not enough, the kids are not enough. nothing is enough to extinguish the storm. 

mr. perfection's storm carries a microscope of scrutiny and everything he says is so loud. everything he does is so loud. she flinches with every sight, every breath, every word, every move. there doesn't seem to be an exit anywhere in sight for her, but he found an exit. and just as abruptly as he arrived, he left. 

the clouds escape with another thunderous crack of the slammed door.

the clock resets. who knows for how long this time. maybe long enough to regain a sense of peace. maybe just long enough to be on the cusp of peace. maybe. or maybe not long enough.

the day had been rejuvenating.

the day had been peaceful.

the silence draws her back in.